You Aren't Listening!

Directed Freewrite:::

You Aren't Listening!

Disagreements between men and women are something I would assume most everyone has encountered at some point or another in their life. I, for one, have been seeing the same guy, Steve, since since I was 16 and not afraid to admit that we have had our fair share of disagreements. Arguments and disagreements, which are often instigated by conversational differences amongst males and females, is something Deborah Tannen does a great job explaining in her article Sex, Lies, and Conversation. With her idea's in mind, conflicts seem to be both more avoidable and justifiable.

Amongst Tannen's theories of conversational differences, she makes two really strong points. First, she notes that the significance of intimate conversation is held of much higher importance for women then it is for men, who generally find the sense of closeness of more importance (Tannen 242). Her second explanation comes in the form of body language that occurs during our conversations. She explains that male body language often send women the wrong message suggesting that they aren't offering their full attention. When it comes to their perception of female body language and conversational expressions, they often view it as invasive or argumentative (Tannen 243). Both of these are something I feel make a significant difference in interpretation. With the knowledge of Tannen's theories and suggestions, I am confident that many of the disagreements that have arose not only between Steve and I, but other people as well, might not have occurred had we been more aware of these differences.

Steve and I were recently in predicament that I feel clearly demonstrates Tannen's ideas. Following a discussion about whether or not I should study abroad in one of the upcoming semesters, an argument arose. As we have spent the past 8 years together, the topic of temporarily moving across the world was something I felt was necessary to discuss. While I sat and spoke attentively about the matter, he remained busy doing miscellaneous things and I grew frustrated with his lack of attention. After reading Tannen's idea's on conversation, I can now see how I was misinterpreting his meaningless actions. His "busy work" was him exhibiting his natural instincts, while I perceived it like Tennen explains, as him not listening (Tannen 242). As my frustrations grew, I asked Steve to stop what he was doing and sit down to talk with me. The conversation went on but I soon found myself facing him on the couch, while he sat with both feet on the ground looking offering feedback only at times of abnormally long conversational pauses. To me, his silence only further supported the lack of attention and importance I was feeling. This too is something that Tannen addresses. She explains that women usually offer listener-noise, or occasional word references like "uhuh" to insure that they are listening. While men generally do not do this, women, like me "who expect a stream of listener-noise, interpret silent attention as no attention at all" (Tannen 243).

It's apparent that the differences in male and female conversational habits are quite significant to the outcome of a conversation. Though Steve and I were able to get past our minor conflict, I think a large part of that had to do with the fact that we know each other quite well. Being aware of Tannen's conversational concepts not only shed some light onto the issue, but will also help to avoid potential disagreements in the future.