Week 11 Blog Reviews

Nicole::

Immigration and the Economy weeds out the selfish people

I really enjoyed reading this. It was nice to read about an ethnicity that isn’t as readily thought of. I learned so much from what you wrote too! It had good flow, and great outside sourcing! My only real recommendation is to make you thesis a bit more identifiable in the intro. Also, maybe consider moving the citation in the intro to the third paragraph to work with the quote from Kenny. I don’t think it’d do any harm to the intro, and add to that what you have in the third paragraph. Great job!

Material Girl In a Material World

Like your other writings, I thought overall this flowed well. It had a consistent voice. I enjoyed your introduction, but I think it makes a stronger statement if you omit the very last sentence and introduce Twitchell's belief in the second paragraph. Good choices of citations throughout the body. In your fourth paragraph, you could consider changing the first sentence to one about addressing memories tied to material things, rather than singling out “positive aspects” since you discuss both the good and the bad associations in the paragraph. Good job. And one last thing- check if you're citing correctly (I need to check too!). I think need the name of the author as well as the page number...

Whitney:::

I Want It All

Cute picture! I like how introduced this writing with the 7 deadly sins. It was intriguing and inviting. Overall however, given the question of your thesis, I thought it this had a sort of biased tone. And while you brought up good points, I just didn’t get the feeling that the thoughts were complete, which made them seem less supported. For example: You said that “If people can’t have everything they want they cannot be happy” and that materialism has “brought us… security and happiness.” The ideas do support your thesis, but I think they also allure the fact that we rely on material things for security, rather than being secure in ourselves... and if that’s the case, is the security a good thing?

The Melting Pot

I like the direction that your writing took. I agree with you about the positive changes African American’s have gone through, and in that we should focus on the positive. Your intro paragraph was a bit of untidy though, especially with your summary of Maggs' essay and your thesis. I liked that you gave a mini-history lesson on African American's but was mildly surprised that that was what the overall writing was about. I also think your writing could have greatly benefited from some actual sources. And one thing be cautious how often you use “it is important to…(remember, think, note, etc)". Good job this week!

Ashley:::

African Americans: The Immigrant Leaders

I like the title for this post! It’s creative, yet very informative. I like that you researched and found other documents to support your writing, and wrote in such an academic tone. I got a bit confused on the direction of it all though. Was it to show how the progress of African American’s has out done the Mexicans, or to express the contributions to the economy by the African Americans in the work force? I felt like your thesis said one thing and your writing said another (or maybe even both). I also thought that citation at the end of the second paragraph felt forced. A few of your sentences made strong statements and perfect sense, but just didn’t flow well (“From beginning as slaves and working for no profit, African Americas have increased their contributions in the American economy in a large way”). I think with some minor editing this would make a great essay!

How Much Would You Pay For My Name on Your Chest?

I agree with you! You brought up a lot of good points, and used Twitchell (who you obviously understood) well. It’s interesting to think how different we are from Eastern cultures where family (and religion, and…, etc.) mean so much more than what money can buy! My only suggestion is about your organization. There are clearly 3 paragraphs, but it’s hard to differentiate between what’s really the introduction, the body, and the conclusion. For example, “Materialism I believe hurts our culture more than anything” reads (to me at least) like the start of a conclusion and it’s at the beginning of your body. Maybe simplifying your intro and lengthening the body would help? Also, maybe use the statement above (or one like it) as an intro for your conclusion. Just some suggestions!!